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I did some crazy shit the other night. Yes it involved chocolate, aliens and sleeping pills.

The whole thing started when my girlfriend gave me a time release prescribed sleeping pill supplement. She said something about me being grumpy from travel and needing to sleep. I agreed with her on all accounts.

I was a good 30 minutes into taking my dose, sinking into the couch in front of the depressing Redskins game thinking, “Maybe I should take another.” Don’t worry I didn’t. At that moment, the TVs multiplied and there were about 5 Robert Griffins calling out plays from different areas of the living room. A loud thoop buzzed in my ear and the rest is now a funny story.

Before we continue, I must be honest. I try to be careful with my intake of sweets and I completely avoid bread after dinner. These are great rules of thumb for keeping weight off.

Let’s continue with the strange. Very quickly, I started speaking in a deep Barry White voice with a lil bit o’ southern gentleman. Imagine country music coated with the soulfulness of R&B. Everything my girlfriend would say to me I responded with a “Giirrrrll.”

Next I had this mad craving for chocolate rush over me. As I emptied out the contents of the fridge in search of the holy grail of sweets, my girlfriend snatched the foods from me one by one. It was for my own good. As she was taking the sweets from my hand my response to everything was, “Girl, you better recognize.” When did I get so much rapper swag?

From this point on I became rather frisky, as I was trying to grab anything to make love to (all from a sleeping pill). Who knew sleeping pills make you horny? I don’t remember anything except that now I’m being told that I said the following “Girl you know you want to sit on my bleep, bleep,bleep, bleep.”  Excuse the vulgarities.

I don’t remember anything after that except, getting up in the middle of the night and grabbing chocolate. I finally succeeded in this quest. Job well done.

I woke up the next morning and traipsed across the bedroom and into the bathroom. I glanced into the mirror and quickly smeared off the remains of chocolate that had created a mustache on my upper lip. It must have been the same bar that melted in my girlfriend’s white sheets. Looks like I’ll be buying some Egyptian cotton.

I’ve been told that Melatonin is the safest form of a sleeping pill, but the problem is that the past two times I’ve tried it, I dreamed of aliens and also of strong sexual fantasies. Thankfully, these two were not ever together in the same dream.

Sleeping pills can make you do weird shit. Here are some of the side effects:


  • Changes in appetite
  • Constipation and/or Diarrhea
  • Difficulty keeping balance and Dizziness
  • Drowsiness
  • Dry mouth or throat
  • Gas and Heartburn
  • Headache


Some sleeping pills also have a crazy potential side effect called parasomnia. Parasomnias are behaviors of which you have little to no control over. Think sleepwalking. Parasomnias with sleeping pills are complex sleep behaviors and may include sleep eating, making phone calls, or having sex while in a sleep state. Though rare, parasomnias are difficult to detect once the medication takes effect.

Before I start sounding too much like a pharmaceutical advertisement with the long list of warnings, most importantly just pay close attention to your surroundings. Product labels for sedative-hypnotic medicines include language about the potential risks of taking a sleeping pill. Because complex sleep behaviors are more likely to occur if you increase the dosage of a sleeping pill, take only what your doctor prescribes – no more.

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